Friday 1 january 2010
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Fandom: Fakenews/PunditryTitle: The 28th Amendment III: The Underground Railroad is Called the Subway These DaysRating: RCharacters: Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert Summary: Surviving and living are
different things, and figuring out how to live in these times can be hard.Warning: slash.Note: Thanks to enamourednhmrd and sarken for most excellent betas.Disclaimer: Any similarity between the
fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis
of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).Any mention of 'The Daily
Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', 'Anderson 360', 'Countdown' any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United
States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.All previous parts, soundtracks and deuterocanonical stories can now be found at the 28th Amendment
Index.Erica Hill disappeared from Mercy of God Rehabilitation Center for Women yesterday. Hill, formerly a reporter for CNN, was arrested for attempting to flee the country to avoid testifying
about Hollywoods attempt to corrupt America. -Brit Hume, Fox News, 25 December 2009.President Huckabee has ordered Americas borders open today to those Jews who wish to return to Israel. Huckabee
commented that it was Gods plan for all Jews to return to Israel and that America would never stand in the way of those seeking to do Gods will. -Bill OReilly, Fox News, 26 December
2009.Authorities are still searching for Josiah Abbott. Sources say that Abbott is most likely hiding in Europe where radical liberals are helping him avoid capture and extradition. Abbott is the
mastermind behind the New Orleans port bombing and is currently the number one person on the FBIs most wanted list. -Shepard Smith, Fox News, 19 January 2010. President Huckabee denounced the
recent rising tide of lynching in America today. He reminds citizens that America is still a land of law and that suspected criminals should be turned over to law enforcement. During the Huckabee
administration not a single person has been charged in a lynching related case. -Greta Van Susteren, Fox News, 4 April 2010. The Supreme Court is hearing several test cases brought in hopes of
changing current laws now that the 28th Amendment is in effect. The first one on the roster is McAllen vs. Board of Education, which many are hoping will re-legalize school prayer. - Shepard Smith,
Fox News, 17 June 2010.The University of California, Berkeley, has been shut down while authorities investigate professors and staff on charges of moral corruption and conspiracy to commit treason.
This is the first time an entire university has been shut down. Three thousand professors and teachers from institutions across the country have been individual charged in similar cases. Weve
always known that the universities were second only to Hollywood in the charge to corrupt Americas youth. I, for one, am glad to see them getting what they deserve. -Bill OReilly, Fox News, 25
August 2010. Congress, on recommendations from the White House, revoked the citizenship of several infamous atheists today. The House also passed HR-233, a new national identification plan. This
controversial measure would require religious affiliation to be clearly documented on government identification. -Brit Hume, Fox News, 3 October 2011.***Theyd been in Chicago for month before Jon
finally made it to the grocery store and back with out getting lost. He even knew a few of the neighbors. As long as he didnt watch TV or think about his kids it was as if the world wasnt really
ending. Jon hated the sneaking around, trying not to draw attention to themselves. Mostly because neither he nor Stephen were any very good at it; they were much better at being the center of
attention. Stephen, at least, was having an easier time of it than Jon, but hed always been better at pulling a character on and living him. So Stephen was Paul from New Jersey and Jon was Jon
Stewart with a fake name. For the most part it worked for them. The walk-up they lived in was the smallest apartment Jon had ever seen, and he was a New Yorker. It had free cable and the landlady
let them pay in cash, so Jon wasnt complaining. At first they had gotten by on odd jobs as the last of Stephens cash had gone to the security deposit on the apartment. Stephen worked for a friend
of a friend, teaching ESL at night for cash under the table and Jon did odd jobs for their landlady, Sasha Bannerman. It was barely enough to keep them in food and necessities. Theyd been in
Chicago for less then a week when Jon flicked on the news. It wasnt the same anymore, especially now that Fox News was the only cable news left, but there wasnt much to do when you were lying low
and hoping to avoid arrest.Comedians and wanted criminals, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were killed today attempting to illegally cross the Canadian border. The two disappeared after being
called to testify in front of Congress. Sources say Stewart and Colbert had been carrying on an illicit affair for several years and were attempting to avoid the certain jail sentence they were
facing. Jon looked up from the television. Dude, were dead.Stephen stared back at him. Dude, were gay! How come no one told us? pouted Jon.Well, Steve has been saying were gay for each other for
years now. Maybe we just werent paying attention, said Stephen.Yeah, but thats Steve. If were dead are we still gay? Im so confused.Jon was, however, actually confused over how an amendment that
supposedly brought Christian morality to America had turned him gay. Or maybe not gay exactly, it wasn't that he'd lost any interest in women, it was just that hed gained an interest in men.
Mostly, Stephen. Maybe Steve was right, maybe he really had been gay for Stephen all along. Their apartment was too small for two beds, really it was too small for even one bed, and so they made
due with a pull out couch. It was red and orange, and Jon had found it on Craigslist for twenty bucks. Folded out, the couch took up almost all the floor space in the apartment. Sometimes, Jon
would wake up to find Stephen burrowed under all the blankets, legs and arms tucked into his body and his face pressed against Jon's side. Other times, if Jon let him, Stephen would steal all the
blankets and end up wrapped into a human burrito. Either way it was oddly comforting and Jon slept better knowing that Stephen was beside him.They'd spent so much time together before that it
hadn't occurred to him that living together would be much different, but Stephen always had a new surprise for him. Jon had always known Stephen was a geek, but he'd packed only the t-shirts he
couldn't bear to leave behind. Green Lantern, Captain America, Comic Con '03, and a Stewart/Colbert '08 shirt he couldn't wear outside the apartment. Add to that a pair of red Chucks and his most
worn jeans, the ones that Steve had drawn an America flag in Sharpie on the right pocket, and Stephen had transformed himself from high status idiot to hard core nerd. He'd even brought a few comic
books with him, though his long boxes were waiting for him in Canada at Rachel's. If they ever made it to Canada. Jon sighed. Chicago wasn't that bad, even now, but they still hadnt found a way to
get themselves out yet. They had, however, gotten new jobs. Their landlady, Sasha Bannerman, was nearing seventy and still going strong. After three months of dragging Jon around to minor handyman
jobs, she must have decided he was trustworthy because she introduced Jon and Stephen to Pete, one of the main players in the Chicago Underground. The Underground was half French Resistance, half
black market and the entire idea delighted Stephen. We could do some real good, he said. I thought we were trying to get out of here, Jon responded.We were, we are. I dont know. Our wives think
were dead. The government thinks were dead. We still havent figured out how to get ourselves over the border. I think its time to start fighting again, Stephen said. Jon turned back to Pete and
Sasha. What would we be doing? It was Pete who answered, Weve got a radio station. Its mostly on the net, but we actually broadcast in a few places, moving the transmitters around so we dont get
caught. Sort of a morale thing. Anyway, Sasha recognized the two of you, and our contacts vouched for you so we talked about it and wed like to offer you a show. Two hours twice a week, just the
two of you talking about whatevers going on out in the world. Jon locked eyes with Stephen, who was already nodding. Yes, well do it, Jon said. Ive missed performing so much, said Stephen. Wow,
said Pete, stunned at the quick response. We werent sure youd be willing. We love doing what we do, said Jon, Anything to make this a little more normal. When can we start? asked Stephen.Ill get
one of the boys to come over and bring you microphones and set up the software youll need on your laptop. After that, youll record the show, save it on an USB drive and leave it in a drop spot.
Therell be a clean USB drive in the drop spot every time and youll just switch them out, Pete said. Before you agree, think about it, said Sasha. It could be dangerous. Well do everything we can to
keep you safe, but youll be taking on a government that has even less of a sense of humor than the one in power when I was out marching for civil rights.Just existing is dangerous for us right now,
said Stephen. As long as Jon is in, Im in.Im in, said Jon and Stephen grabbed his hand and squeezed.Pete was calling their show the Voice of America in Exile. Stephen was calling it the best thing
that happened to him since the Amendment passed. Two hours of Jon and Stephen snarking about politics, religion and America; no writers, no censors, just giving hope to the people stuck in this
tragedy. No one knew who they were of course. They used code names and other precautions and besides, everyone already thought they were dead. It didnt really matter, either. Jon would keep doing
this even if no one ever knew it was them. ***They kept a list on the refrigerator. Any time one of them learned of a friend who had made it to safety, their name went on the list. Rachel, Dan,
Steve, Nancy, Sam, Jason the list was long, but the names missing from it were the heartbreaking part: Keith, Anderson, Rob, Ed. The Underground had only the sketchiest of communications over the
border but every once in a while Sasha would come by and tell them that Pete had turned up another person they knew safe somewhere. Erica Hill is safe in France, Sasha said one morning as Jon was
helping her change light bulbs in the lobby of the building. We dont know how she got out, but she did.Jon loved being the one who got to write a new name on the list and once he was finished
helping Sasha he rushed back up to the apartment. What are you so happy about? asked Stephen who couldnt help but notice the smile on Jons face.Pen, Jon demanded. Stephen handed over the pen and
followed Jon to the refrigerator, where Jon wrote Ericas name under Lewis Blacks.Shes safe? asked Stephen.In France, Sasha doesnt know who got her out, but shes safe, said Jon. Stephen wrapped Jon
in a hug. Well all get out of this, safe and sound, one day. Even Keith.***Jon picked up the comic book on a lark. He'd had change in his pocket and the boy selling them out of the trunk of his car
had looked hungry. It was the same guy on the cover as on one of Stephen's t-shirt so Jon figured that Stephen might like it. He probably should remember the guy, but its not the Green Lantern he
shared a name with and the other ones name has slipped his mind. In almost a year of living with Stephen, he had been steeped in even more comic book trivia then a weekend at Comic-con. When he
made it back to the apartment Stephen was waiting on the front porch reading a battered paperback.I got you a present, said Jon in a sign song voice. Present? Stephen asked excitedly.Jon showed him
the comic and Stephen took it from his hands reverently.Thank you. Stephen's smile was showing all his white teeth and Jon stared, mesmerized. He leaned in toward Stephen's happiness and suddenly
they were kissing. It was not awkward at all and somehow that threw Jon more than the fact hed just kissed and been kissed back by Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. It just felt right. ***It took another
month for Stephen to get used to the idea that Jon wanted him. Jon waited out Stephens confusion quietly, waited for Stephen to come to him. When Stephen decided it was like hed thrown a switch. He
was all in. They had gotten take out to celebrate the first anniversary of their show. Moo shu pork, sesame chicken and a six pack of beer. Two beers in, Jon was making a joke about Kim Jong-il and
waffles when out of the blue, Stephen kissed him. Weve been dead for a year and a half. If she I hope shes found someone to be happy with, came tumbling out of Stephens mouth, bring the mood of the
room down several notches. Maybe I can, tooJon hadnt heard Stephen use his wifes name since they had decided to come to Chicago. I know. We dont have to do anything, Jon left the thought hanging in
the airIve spent the last month thinking about this. What if we do this and then we manage to escape the next day? What if we never escape? What if they some how know were alive and are waiting for
us? What if you walk out the door tomorrow to go get groceries and never come back? What if Im the one who gets killed? said Stephen and it was clear to Jon that Stephen really has spent the last
month contemplating every possible scenario. And? asked Jon.If we get rescued tomorrow, I wont regret this. If we never escape, Id regret not doing this, said Stephen. I want you too.The pullout
bed was lumpy and uncomfortable under Jons back. It didnt matter to him at all because Stephen was on top of him, his tongue slowly tracing the line of Jons clavicle. He wasnt sure how he lost his
shirt, but it was gone along with Stephens.Jon laid a gentle hand on Stephens cheek and smiled up at him. Hey, he said softly, Im glad were here. Stephen leaned down and kissed Jon on the forehead.
Right now, so am I, and with that the talking was over. There was no bigger rush than when Stephen held his hand, kissed his lips, came inside him saying I love you. Jon hadnt planned on sleeping
with Stephen. Hadnt planned any of this really. Now his only plan was for it to keep happening. ***Im Marion, said Jon. And Im Chuck, said Stephen.And this is the Voice of America in Exile, they
said together.Todays top headlines are: more academic purges, this time at Yale; Huckabee announces that figs are his favorite food and Biblically approved too; and Billo thinks Microsofts new
operating system, Windows Symphony, is too gay. ***They never actually talked about the fact they were sleeping together, it just became part of their lives. They would be in the middle of the show
and Stephen would say something and Jon would laugh so hard he thought he would hurt himself and then Stephen would be kissing him. Theyd end up having to go back and edit out the sounds of them
making out on the couch. Outside the apartment was a different thing. Outside the apartment, holding hands could get you killed by angry neighbors or arrested by cops looking to make their quota.
It was hard to remember that and theyd had a close call or two. Outside the apartment, Stephen once explained to Jon, was like a whole different world and they were an away team. There was a
grocery store a few blocks down from their apartment that Stephen had declared off limits. They had gone to restock the refrigerator after they finished the show one night. Theyd both been a little
high off the show, joking and roughhousing a bit, grinning at each other like loons. It was the cashier who deflated their post-show bubble of glee. One glare, a glare that said, you touch each
other too much to be straight men, and they had spent the entire walk home looking over their shoulders, watching for the police or maybe a lynch mob. Jon sometimes wondered how much of their
relationship was based on close quarters and almost certain danger and how much of it was actually them. How much of it was the feeling of sending a fuck you in Huckabees direction every time they
kissed. It bothered him sometimes, but it was just another one of those things he shoved to the back of his mind and tried not to think about. For now, it was enough. ***I went to drop off the USB
drive and the old one was still there, said Stephen, pacing nervously in the few feet of empty floor space they had in the apartment. What? Jon spun around to stare at Stephen.Its still there. I
left it just in case it was a tracking device or someone was watching or something, said Stephen. What did you do with the one we just made? he asked.Kept it, Stephen replied.We need to tell Sasha,
see if she can find out what happened. Maybe the courier just got delayed. ***The police picked up the courier, Sasha said in a low voice. We may be compromised.Fuck, said Jon. Language, said Sasha
with a stern look in Jons direction. Just be ready to go if we need to move you. Ive got a guy on the inside, so Ill know ahead of time, but you might not get much notice.Okay, said Stephen and he
let Sasha out. Jon barely noticed as his anxiety ratcheted up. If they got caught theyd go to prison. It would be a life sentence. Theyd be lucky to get a trial at all. There would be no hope of
seeing his kids again, no hope of seeing Stephen again, just blank cement walls. They might even be killed. No one would ever know. The worlds still thought that they were dead, and dead men have
even fewer rights than people arrested on terrorism charges. Jon, said Stephen, trying to get his attention, theres no point in worrying about it now. Jon stared at him, trying to get his breathing
back under control.Jon, Stephen pitched his voice low and taking Jons hand, Theres nothing else to do. Come to bed. And Jon went.
